Master Facilitator Journal | Issue #0163| July 27, 2004 | 8,000 Subscribers...

Dear friends,

This week's article, "
Conflict Confident?" was contributed by my friend Kaveh Nayeri, a business and personal coach who grew up in Iran and has lived and worked in America for 27 years. In this article, Kaveh explores the costs associated with conflict, benefits to resolving them, and steps in doing so. If you're interested in learning more about conflict resolution, consider joining our upcoming 5-day teleclass, "Growing Through Conflict," starting August 23rd. at 1:00 PM EDT, where Kaveh will teach his theory in detail and where we will apply it to many real life conflicts.

Kaveh will also be cohosting our next Micro-Skills Tele-Seminar next, East Meets West, this Thursday, July 29th
at 1:00 PM EDT. In this one hour teleclass, he will discuss his model of Cognitive-Behavioral and Emotional-Spiritual Cultures and skills and knowledge an American facilitator or any group worker should have to successfully relate to other cultures.

In this Issue:

Feature Article: Conflict Confident?

East Meets West: Our next one-hour tele-seminar with Kaveh Nayari Thursday, July 29th at 1:00 PM EDT.

Resolving Conflicts at Work: A Complete Guide for Everyone on the Job

New 5-Day Teleclass: Growing Through Conflict.

If any of you have any interesting stories or experiences about facilitation, group process, work groups, team building, training, etc. that might interest our readers, please send them to us.

Have a great week!

Steve Davis

Self-Mastery Skill

Conflict Confident?
Build Your Confidence In Resolving Conflicts

The Point

Most of us have experienced conflicts with others and felt the hurt, anger, confusion, fear, and other intense emotions that often accompany major disputes. Conflicts occur regularly in all types of relationships: Between leaders, management and staff, colleagues, spouses, partners, family members, friends, etc. They test the strength and resourcefulness of our relationships which often won't survive or grow if we don't understand, face, and resolve them. Conflict is a natural and integral challenge we face in building any type of relationship. So our ability to resolve various types of disputes is a very valuable skill to have, not only as a facilitator, but as a human being involved in the community of life.

In exploring the conflict resolution skill set, lets first review some of the emotional and physical costs of unresolved conflicts Here are just a few:

Loss of Valuable Relationships. Inability of people to resolve conflict often results in the lost of key relationships such as marriages, business partnerships, longtime friendships, etc.

Dysfunction and Distance. When two people fail at resolving their personal or professional conflicts their relationship may become more and more unbearable, distant, and meaningless. For example a couple may spend less and less time with each other to avoid the tension and discomfort, or in the workplace two colleagues may be unable to collaborate due to their inability to resolve their differences.

Tension. Unresolved conflicts often cause significant tension that can sap energy. For example, when two people with unresolved conflict are present in a group they both often feel tense and uncomfortable and this tension can even be felt by the other group members.

Violence. Unresolved conflicts are sometimes responsible for one or both parties turning violent toward each other. Many wars result from unresolved conflicts between two leaders. But violence can also be emotional. For example a branch manager who has conflict with one of his staff may criticize and belittle him regularly. Emotional violence can be very damaging to self-esteem and performance.

Stifled Growth. Parties engaged in unresolved disputes often find themselves stuck in a vicious cycle of disempowerment that keep them from growing personally or professionally. For example two business partners who continue to fail at resolving their differences may not be able to meet their professional aspirations and have to settle for marginal results.

The ability to resolve conflicts in our key relationships on the other hand brings us many benefits. Here are just a few:

Saving Our Key Relationships. By resolving differences that preserve our important relationships, we avoid the costs of finding and building new relationships to replace them.

Functional and Rewarding Relationships. Resolving conflicts enhances the value of the relationship for both parties. It makes the relationship more functional since both sides now have a newly acquired ability to successfully manage similar conflicts in the future. And it makes it more rewarding because both people get to feel more confident and positive about the relationship which is often deeper and stronger as a result of "walking through the fire" together.

Peace. Real peace, harmony, and comfort in relationships requires us to yield our masks and get real with each other. Getting real can be tough but having worked through true feelings and perspectival differences builds trust and resilience so that we can truly relax with one another.

Individual Growth. Successful conflict resolution usually requires each of us to changes something about ourselves. For example to resolve his discord with an employee a manager may have to develop more flexibility and understanding. And achieving these goals may constitute significant individual growth for this manager.

Each conflict has unique features but there are also many similarities between different types of conflict. Below I present steps you can take to help understand and resolve conflicts. If you find these to be of value I encourage you to register for the Growing Through Conflict teleclass (see details at end of this issue) in which I will teach this theory in detail and we will apply it to many real life conflicts.


Prevent Conflict. Some conflicts can be prevented by identifying and releasing the pent-up emotions (i.e. frustrations) between the two parties in a timely and constructive manner by restructuring the relationship early on. It is often the buildup of tension, frustration, and resentments between two people that eventually erupts into a full-blown conflict. For example two colleagues who resent each other without ever addressing this problem and attempting to resolve their differences are headed for conflict.

Calm the Conflict. The initial onset of many conflicts is often explosive as the emotional pressure inside one or both people becomes unbearable and comes pouring out in the form of intense anger and destructive behaviors. During this phase of the conflict resolution process the primary objectives are to contain the intense and out of control emotions, to keep the damaged relationship alive, and to avoid making major decisions about the relationship out of anger, hurt, etc.

For example, a facilitator can help calm a conflict between two group members by managing his/her own emotions, becoming more directive toward both people in order to increase facilitator level of control, asking the parties in the conflict to speak to the facilitator not each other, staying very neutral, creating temporary space between the two, and guiding the first conflict resolution session for them as soon as they are both calm enough to participate productively.

Determine the Purpose Behind the Conflict. The next step is for both parties to analyze their core differences and identify the key needs and expectations that are not being met by the relationship for each person. The purpose of the conflict is for each person to create and maintain the necessary personal improvements to meet the otherís unmet needs. This work should be done by both people simultaneously and each personís tasks will be unique to them.

For example a couple may be having conflict because spouse A is not emotionally expressive while spouse B is not responsible with money. The purpose of this conflict would be for spouse A to become more emotionally skilled and for spouse B to become more skilled in managing money.

Commit to the Work. Once the purpose of a conflict has been determined both parties need to determine the work they have to do and commit to doing it. Achieving personal change is not usually easy or automatic. It typically takes a lot of work. It may involve overcoming many obstacles and going through many ups and downs. But this is typically the price for resolving a relationship conflict. Doing the work needed to resolve conflicts often includes employing the services of a helping professional such as a therapist, coach, facilitator, or mediator.

We live inside relationships. Our individual and professional success is significantly defined by their quality. And to create quality relationships we must be able to face and work our way past their conflicts.

By Kaveh Nayeri, MS, Personal and Business Coach, (858) 459-8695.


What steps are you missing or avoiding in the resolution of your conflicts? Choose from the actions above and practice this week. Please
send us your questions and comments.

Facilitation Expert Series

Facilitation Micro-Skills Tele-Seminar:
"East Meets West....Discovering the gold in the embrace of Cultural Differences. Featuring Kaveh Nayeri, M.S., Business and Personal Coach, Speaker, and Author. Attend this one-hour tele-seminar on Thursday, July 29th at 1:00 PM EDT (NY Time).

"Just in Time" Learning

Attend this one-hour tele-seminar with Kaveh Nayeri and Steve Davis and learn key differences between primarily Cognitive-Behavioral and Emotional-Spiritual Cultures; key differences and similarities between American and Iranian cultures as a real-life example of above culture types based on Kaveh’s years of experience with both cultures; skills and knowledge an American facilitator or any group worker should have to successfully relate to other cultures; and what Eastern and Western cultures can learn from each other and how they can grow from their relationship. Here are some of the questions we'll explore...

Explains your theory that cultures are primarily cognitive-behavioral or emotional-spiritual. What are key differences among them?
. What are some cultural example that demonstrate your theory? On a continuum with cognitive-behavioral at one end and emotional-spiritual at the other end, where would you place cultures such as: American, Mexican, Iranian, French, Russian?
What are typical strengths & limitations of cognitive-behavioral cultures? How about emotional-spiritual cultures?
Elaborate on key factors that come into play when someone from a dominant or majority culture is attempting to relate to someone from a sub-dominant or minority culture?
How can cognitive-behavioral and emotional-spiritual cultures learn from each other and grow from their relationship?
Please review and state a list of key skills and considerations needed when an American professional is attempting to relate to someone from a foreign culture.
And, answers to any questions you bring to the teleclass.

Three Free Bonuses!

1. One free 30-min coaching session with Kaveh on any cross-cultural issue you may have or wish to explore.

2. Managing Diversity. An article about managing diversity using a Strategic Planned Change Approach.

3. Workplace Diversity Quiz. A simple 10-question quiz on workplace diversity complete with discussion questions for each point.

About Kaveh.
Kaveh Nayeri, MS is an innovative business and personal coach, author, and thinker. He grew up in Iran where he attended a French school. And he has lived and worked in America for 27 years. Kaveh draws from many sources to teach/coach cross-cultural topics. These include his insight into Eastern and Western cultures, his life experiences living in Iran and the United States, his professional experiences counseling majority, minority, and immigrant clients, his marriage to a Lithuanian, his many experiences in European countries, writing books in two languages, and his current work with English-speaking and Farsi-speaking media in the U.S.

Kaveh proposes a new way of seeing and understanding key differences between cultures. His theory places world cultures on a continuum that runs from cognitive-behavioral on one end and emotional-spiritual on the other. In addition Kaveh discusses the dynamics involved in the relationship between dominant/majority and sub-dominant/minority cultures. Kaveh teaches methods for people from different cultures to better understand and appreciate each other. And he teaches important skills needed to successfully relate to and work with people from foreign cultures. Visit his website at or contact him at or at (858) 459-8695 if you have any questions about this class or about Kaveh's work.

Click here for details about this interview, the bonuses, and registration.


Resolving Conflicts at Work: A Complete Guide for Everyone on the Job, by Kenneth Cloke, Joan Goldsmith, Kenneth Cloke, Joan Goldsmith

Conflicts exist in every workplace, and if left unchecked they can reduce productivity, decimate morale, fracture relationships, and even spark litigation. According to conflict resolution specialists Kenneth Cloke and Joan Goldsmith, however, such undesirable results could be eliminated through management behaviors that forestall any related misunderstandings. In Resolving Conflicts at Work, they draw upon real-world examples (both good and bad) to explain "how and why we all get stuck in conflict." They then outline "8 Paths from Impasse to Transformation"--which include understanding a conflict's real meaning, listening actively to those involved, separating what matters from what doesn't, and handling resultant problems creatively--to resolve those that do arise. The plan requires effort and commitment, but should prove beneficial to managers who are serious about improving their work environments. --Howard Rothman

In the Spotlight

Growing Through Conflict

A 5-Day Teleclass Teaching You Innovative Skills to Save and Enhance Conflicted Relationships

Led by Kaveh Nayeri, MS, an innovative business and personal coach, author, and mental health professional.

Growing Through Conflict 5-Day Teleclass

Conflicts are inevitable facts of life. They happen regularly in personal and business relationships. Unresolved conflicts can threaten and break our valuable relationships. This is often a major loss for both parties. But knowing how to conceptualize and resolve conflicts can save, heal, and strengthen our key relationships.

In this class Facilitators will learn effective conflict resolution skills that will help them feel prepared, confident, comfortable, and in control when called upon to help resolve conflicts. The class will include many discussions of real life conflicts and ways to effectively resolve them.

Benefits to you of participating from the 5-Day Training...
1. Get a great introduction to the concept and practice of conflict resolution skills.
2. Learn the hidden purpose behind a conflict and how to realize it.

3. Learn an innovative approach and key skills to help resolve conflicts.
4. Learn how to defuse conflict situations before they start.
5. Learn the five stages of conflicts and resolution techniques for each phase.

5-Day Growing Through Conflict Training Agenda...
Here's what you'll be learning and doing during the 5-Day course...


- Introduction
- Discuss participant learning objectives
- Discuss real life examples of conflict situations


- Seizing the growth opportunities
- The resolution work
- The rewards of resolving
- The consequences of avoiding
- Applying it to real life cases


- An Overview
- Identifying phases in real life cases


- Identifying early signs of dissatisfaction
- Facilitating the release of pent-up emotions
- Changing the relationship
- Real life case discussion


- Feeling prepared for conflicts
- Techniques for staying calm
- Techniques for taking control
- Techniques for defusing the tension
- Real life case discussion


- Facing the conflicted relationship
- Seeing the growth opportunities
- Understanding the work to be done
- Committing to a plan of action
- Beginning positive change
- Real life case discussion


- Guiding the positive change
- Practicing new relationship skills
- Coping with setbacks
- Monitoring progress
- Real life case discussion


- Testing the strength of the new relationship
- Reinforcing the new relationship
- Celebrating success
- Real life case discussion


- Discussion of specific conflict types based on class interest
- Common forms of relationship conflict and strategies for resolving them
- Discussion of real life cases
- Final comments and participant feedback

About Kaveh
Kaveh draws from many sources to teach conflict resolution topics. These include his many experiences observing and resolving group conflicts as facilitator, his work as a psychotherapist where he treated various forms of family conflict, his responsibilities as a social worker where he helped resolve difficult child custody disputes, and his other life experiences where he has observed marital, cultural, and organizational conflicts.

Kaveh states that conflicts of one type or another are inevitable facts of life. Conflicts between two people are tests of the strength of their relationship. They are tests that all relationships must pass so that they can survive and grow to have more value for both parties.

The full cost of training/access is only $79 for MFJ readers ($89 for the general public). Everything you read about above is included. And, we offer a 100%-satisfaction-guaranteed guarantee.

August 23-27, 2004, 1:00 PM EDT (NY Time), 60 minutes each day.


Immediately upon completion of your registration, you will receive an email with instructions to access the course. This course is limited to 20 individuals, first come, first served.

Click here to Register


Contact Kaveh at or at (858) 459-8695

About the satisfaction guarantee

If, for any reason, you are not satisfied with this package, simply email us with a request to refund/credit your credit card in the full amount and we will do so immediately. It's our policy to do this and we honor this in every single case.

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