Facilitation Skill 127: Nonviolent Communication

Skill of the Week

Master Facilitator Journal | Issue #0127 | November 18, 2003 | 9,000 Subscribers

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From the Publisher:

Dear friends,

This week's article, "Getting to the Core of Conflict," explores
a method called "Nonviolent Communication" developed by Marshal Rosenberg. This simple method has us help conflicting parties explore the feelings and needs they're trying to satisfy to develop more life-affirming strategies.

New Releases

1. Announcing release of our "Intervene With Confidence" Facilitator's Guide! This guide fully explores the concept and practice of group process Intervention. Please click here for details.

2. The Learning Facilitator Teleclass. We are also happy to announce the development of our new Learning Facilitator teleclass. This class will help teachers and trainers develop and nurture "learning environments" for their students. Please see full details at the end of this issue.

3. Appreciative Inquiry Teleclass--Self-Guided Version. Click here for details on this 4-hour recorded teleclass now available as a self-guided version complete with learning guide, 4 hours of real audio, and other resources.

4. Biz Whiz Ecourse. My dear friend, Andrea Lee, previous COO of CoachVille.com has developed this great new ecourse to help you build and sustain the Internet side of your business. Click here for full details.

5. Teleclasses. Please click here to view our schedule of teleclasses offered at FacilitatorU.com.

If you or your colleagues are interested in submitting an article for consideration, please email your ideas. I'd love to hear from you.

Thanks for your support.

Steve Davis
Publisher

Relating Skill

Getting to the Core of Conflict
Exploring the method of "Nonviolent Communication" to resolve conflicts.

The Point

A theologian named Walter Wink suggests that violence has been a social norm in the human community for some eight thousand years. That's when a myth evolved that the world was created by a heroic, virtuous male god who defeated an evil female goddess. From this point on, we've been in this struggle of good and evil, right and wrong, which has supported the development of a system of "retributive justice."

In this system, the majority surrender their responsibility to "authorities" who levy justice by deciding who "deserves" to be punished and who deserves to be rewarded. Further, if we can make a case for ourselves being "right" or "good", that immediately implies that the other side is "wrong" or "bad" and we supposedly "win." We've been so ingrained with this strategy that it really seems to make sense to most of us. In fact, many may argue there is no better strategy. But it's really absurd when you think about it. Isn't it? Wouldn't it be better to find a strategy that helped everyone win? A strategy that sought to restore harmony within the larger social fabric?

A man named Marshal Rosenberg has developed just such a strategy that he calls "Nonviolent Communication" (NVC), which promotes "restorative justice." This approach, instead of asking the question, "Who's to blame here?" seeks instead to answer the question, "How do we restore peace?" Or put another way, how do we restore a state in which people care about one another's well-being?

Application

NVC is a four-step strategy:

1. Observe what is happening in a given situation. Objectively listen to the messages coming from both sides of the conflict. What might they be feeling? What might they need or want? Read between the lines if necessary and prompt them to uncover their feelings and their needs.

2. Identify what each party is feeling. Our bias toward analysis frequently has us talking "about" what we think is going on more often than actually expressing what is going on for us. "Thinking about" things is an abstraction at least one level removed from our reality. It also comprises "lifeless" conversation. Our present moment feelings and senses express what is "real" and "true" for us now. These are expressions of our life force in real time.

3. Identify what each party needs. When we clearly express what we actually need in a given situation, we show respect for ourselves. And by "owning" our truth in this way, we show respect for the other party as well.

4. Have each side make requests for desired outcomes. Once each side understands what the other feels and needs, we have a chance to use our energies to create win-win solutions. Energies that otherwise may be wasted attempting to force a loss on the other side.

This strategy may seem obvious and simplistic, yet most people, particularly when ensnared in conflict, don't speak this way to each other. Most of us rebound into our conditioned approach of defending our positions and blaming or pointing out the flaws in the other's logic.

With most of us in western culture trained to repress or discount our needs, we often seek ineffective ways to assuage the ever present feelings showing up that are merely symptoms of our unmet and unconscious needs. We become addicted to consumerism and distraction and when we have disagreements with others, we try to "win" at their expense. After all, if the only game I know is win/lose, then by god I'd better do all I can to win.

As it begins to dawn on us that anytime someone loses in a closed system, we all ultimately pay a price...if not today, then tomorrow...then it becomes important to develop strategies that best meet everyone's needs.

Action

Use the NVC approach with yourself right now around any conflict or unrest going on inside of you. Follow the four steps above to find a peaceful resolution between the conflicting parts. We'd love to hear how this works for you. Please email us your comments.

Resource

The Center for Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communications (NVC) is a process that strengthens our ability to inspire compassion from others and respond compassionately to others and ourselves. NVC guides us to reframe how we express ourselves and how we hear others by focusing our consciousness on what we are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting.

It is a language of empathy and honesty, and is sometimes described as “the language of the heart."

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About the Publisher:

Steve Davis helps facilitators, coaches, consultants and leaders who are struggling to
present themselves confidently, empower their groups, enhance their facilitation skills,
and build their businesses on and off line. Please email or call me at 805-489-4130 to schedule a Free exploratory session, or to share your suggestions and ideas for the journal. If you find this newsletter helpful, please forward it to your friends. If you'd like to reprint this article in another publication, you are free to do so providing you follow the guidelines here. Thanks for reading!

In the Spotlight

The Learning Facilitator Teleclass

This course will explore how to make the leap from conventional teaching to the skills, attitudes, and practices necessary to create and facilitate a learning environment.

How the 4-Day Format/Training works...

1. You dial into your class every day for 4 days (Mon-Thurs) for a 60-minute focused training segment using a conferencing bridge.
2. You work a learning guide during the course (about an hour a day of study and field work) which you complete by Thursday, or sooner if you wish.
3. You will have the opportunity to discuss issues on the subject matter with the instructor and your classmates via an online listserve during the course.
4. During the week, you may access the instructor via email for help or situational questions.

Training Agenda...

Here's what you'll be learning and doing during this course...

Exploring the Landscape of Learning

- What is "Learning?" Who Learns? Who teaches?
- Review distinctions between Teaching, Training, Mentoring, Coaching, and Facilitating
- The Content/Process Paradox
- The medium is the message.

Changing the Paradigm
- Shift from Director to Guide
- "Ability to do" vs. Info delivery
- Students remember their experiences far more than information
- Operating in Full-Duplex: Courting student interest and passion.
- Shifts for students and for teachers
- Relating to shifts in worldviews
- Lessons learned from online communities
- From curriculum development to needs assessment

Becoming a Learning Facilitator
- Characteristics
- Core Values
- Inner Shifts Required
- Methods
- Tools and Tactics

Learning Models
- Temperaments
- VAK Attack
- Learning Cycle
- Multiple Intelligences
- Habit Model
- Instruction Events
- The Art of the Question
- Open Space Technology

Benefits from participating in the training...

- Enhance your love of teaching and training
- Learn new ways to get your students excited about learning again.
- Learn to listen for, encourage, and nurture what's important to them.
- Learn to package your material in a way that better relates to your students.
- Learn to connect with your students in a way that's rewarding for you both
- Become a better listener and communicator.
- Release the burden of trying to "make" learning happen in your classroom.
6. Collaborate and learn from a community of your peers, who are all passionate about empowering groups.

Pricing...

This is the first run of this class and will be somewhat of an R&D nature, meaning that we may be experimenting with new ideas and approaches and will be looking for you to be involved in its creation. Therefore, the cost of this training is discounted from our standard fee of $89 to $49. Everything you read about above is included. And, we offer a 100% satisfaction guarantee.

Dates...
This class begins December 8, 2003 from 1:00-2:00PM EST. It will meet daily for 60 minutes from Monday through Thursday, the 11th. Because this is an R&D class, it's possible that we will have an optional meeting on Friday as well depending on our progress and student interests.

Also included with your training...
In addition to the training described above, you also receive:
- Free access to the participant-only website (lots of resources, forms, etc.).
- Free access to the RealAudio version of the training.

Registration...
Please click here to register. Immediately upon completion of your registration, you will receive an email with instructions to access the course and free article bank. This course is limited to 20 individuals, first come, first served.

100% Money-Back Guarantee
If, for any reason, you are not satisfied with this package, simply email us with a request to refund/credit your credit card in the full amount and we will do so immediately. It's our policy to do this and we honor this in every single case. (Why? Because we are sensitive to the fact that you are buying an e-course/product from us and we feel that if this package isn't EXACTLY what you expected or wanted, that you should be able to get 100% of your money back. This policy completely removes the buying risk for you and keeps our customer-satisfaction rates extremely high.)

Thank you for reading this issue of the Master Facilitator Journal. Look for your next issue on November 25, 2003.